April 9th, 2:42 AM, 2018
The Letter I Never Mailed
Dear Miss Reno,
It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. Tonight, I took my own advice and deleted your phone number from my phone. Texting you was a crutch for me and was only hurting me more.
In Europe, a king wanted to know what language babies would speak if no one spoke to them. He took a group of new born babies away from their parents and placed them with nurses who were not to talk to them or touch them. The king never found out what language the babies would speak because they all died.
Babies need to be spoken to, and so do adults, Loneliness is now more dangerous in America than obesity, and I believe it!
Loving you like this makes me lonely, deeply lonely and it hurts me more than anything I have ever experienced.
This relationship has always been a chase and denial. The first time I flew to Reno, you thought I would hurt you and take advantage of you. You were cautious and de3nied me. The last time I was in Reno was the same.
Maybe your perception was different, I don’t know because we don’t communicate anymore.
I’m at a loss for words because I am a person who does whatever it takes to win what I want. I am an unstoppable force, unfortunately you are an immovable object. I feel as though one of two things is true either 1) you lie to me when you say you love me or 2) you are a self sabotager. I’m not sure which it is, or maybe I will never know.
What I do know is that my heart bleeds for you and I am dying like the babies who were ignored in silence. I can handle rejection, loss and rejection hurts, but the silence you give me hurts more. I love you Miss Reno, more than you know, but you waste my life force by working against me. A man and a woman in love should not work against each other but together. I don’t know why you work against me. Maybe it comes from your mother? Maybe fear? I don’t know what it is, but I wish I could fix it.
Deleting you from my phone tonight makes me sick to my stomach, like you had died. It makes me endlessly sad. You have no idea of the joy, happiness, power and healing you bring to me, but alas, you work against me so we squander that gift.
If you came to Canada, we would probably have the most wonderful life, you wouldn’t have to worry about money or work because I would take care of you.
My two darkest fears at this point are 1) moving on with another woman but talking about you in my sleep like “Jolene” and 2) You calling me 2-3 years later looking to actually try this relationship and by then I will be bitter and ask “where were you when I needed you?”
I needed you when I last saw you Miss Reno and I need you now. I call you because I need you and the healing power of your love.
You read my last letter and it made you sad, this one will probably make you sad too. If absence makes you sad then would togetherness make you happy? I think it will.
I have to tell myself that you don’t love me, because if you did, this is a twisted form of love. I wish you would answer when I call and we could talk and work it out, but that takes two people. The babies, when left alone without love or talking, died. My heart feels like it’s dying. If I don’t hear from you, I will assume you don’t love me, I won’t bother you anymore because I erased your phone number. If you do want to communicate call me at 204-960-3689 and we can work it out. I love you Miss Reno and you will always hold a special place in my heart no matter what you decide.